


Dear Diary...

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, M/M, Oops, Original Character(s), Physical Abuse, Suicidal Tendencies, Swearing, like violence, self-hate, there's some pretty hardore shit in this, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:08:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2359019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell has an abusive step-father. These are his diary entries. Dan's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction to my shitty life

Dear diary,  
Today was a horrible day. I just want to lay in bed and cry. He did it again. I’m too scared to tell anyone, what if he finds out? The way he looks at me, with such anger, and how he touches mum… It’s horrible, even thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I’m only 17, why is this happening to me? He’s like, so much older than me. Can't he just be a decent human being, not drink, not take out his frustrations on me, mum, and Adrian. Why did mum even marry him? She must regret it so much...And if one of us were ever to call the police, he’ll see. I just know it. And the things he does to mum, and Adrian, I can’t even imagine. He’s always so angry. But the only people that know are mum, Adrian, and you, diary.  
But then again, you know about so many things. You know where I keep the razors, how he beats me, what mum’s screams sound like. You know everything. I promise you, diary, when I’m out of this hell, when it’s all over, I will still keep you. Maybe you’ll be evidence, maybe you’ll be published, kind of like Anne Frank’s diary, who knows. But you are the only friend I have. And I’ll always cherish you for that.  
I have to go, he’s calling me downstairs again. I hope I’ll be okay…  
See you later,  
Dan  
I put down my diary, stuffed it under the mattress, and prayed that he hadn't been drinking. Maybe he was leaving? One could only hope...  
.......................................................  
"YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT, HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!" He roared in my face. I felt little balls of spit coming from his mouth fall onto my face. I was paralyzed with fear. I saw mum in the corner, begging him to stop, fighting back tears. She was littered with bruises, she had the most out of all of us. I wish I could help her...  
"Jonathan, please, he's just a boy, he hasn't done anythi-"  
"SHUT IT! HE'S NOT JUST A BOY, BECAUSE EVEN BOYS WOULD HAVE THE COMMON SENSE TO NOT TALK BACK TO THEIR ELDERS! HE'S AN IDIOT, THAT'S WHAT HE IS, AND HE'S GOING TO BE PUNISHED!" He got his belt out, ready to whip me. I just closed my eyes, waiting for the pain to come again, praying to god that he wouldn't see my wrists or thighs. Then I would get it even worse...  
He started to whip me. God, the pain, it felt like little trails of fire going across my body, reopening cuts and old wounds, making the bruises that I already had sore. I started to black out, hearing my mother's attempts to help me, Adrian's whimpers, and my horrible step-father still yelling at all of us. And then, darkness. Beautiful, calming darkness, in which I wasn't aware of anything happening, only my sadness.  
The truth is, I spend most of my time in the darkness. I feel at peace there. Cutting doesn't matter, abusive step-fathers don't matter, sexuality doesn't matter, and the wails of your family doesn't matter either. Nothing matters, really. So when I'm in the darkness, I try to stay there as long as possible. But I know that, eventually, I'll to come out of it, and face my shitty life again.  
Oh well...


	2. Can't I just die?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy guacamole 3 kudos? Thank you so much! Anyways, here is the 2nd chapter!

Dear diary,  
Today at school, somebody noticed. I don't know how they saw them, my shirt sleeves must have rolled up or something. He came up to me and asked me about them, and if I was okay. My mind was racing, what are you supposed to say to that? 'Oh, my abusive step-father beats me because I like boys and he thinks I'm I failure and everyday I wish I was dead, how about you?' Because diary, you and I both know that just isn't something you say to someone, let alone a complete stranger. So I just smiled calmly, and walked away. He's just a stranger, he won't care. I probably won't ever even see him again.  
But diary, do you want to hear a secret? I want to see him again. He had such genuine concern in his voice, and nobody aside from mum has spoken to me like that for years. I felt like he cared for me, even if I had only known him for a second. And you know what, he was beautiful. He had soft black hair in a fringe that was slightly mussed up, and eyes so blue, they reminded me of the ocean. But he'll never know who I am. He'll never know my favorite color, or my favorite band. And I'll never know what his lips taste like, or how his hair would feel in between my fingers.  
But I'm okay with that. He'll doesn't know what an impact he has had on me, just by asking me that one simple question, and I'll remember him for that. Now I know, at least someone cares. And that gives me hope.  
If I make it through this, I'll see you tomorrow.  
Dan

The next morning, I wake up to yelling. It isn't that uncommon, and it's usually about the same thing. Me being gay, and how Jonathan doesn't want a 'little fag' living in his house. Honestly, by now, I don't care. In a couple of years, when I have enough money, I'll get out of this hellhole, and I'll take mum and Adrian with me. We'll start a new life, and by then, who knows, I might even have a boyfriend who will help me through my problems. Yes, that will be great...  
But for now, all I have is an abusive step-father, a scared little brother, and a mum who tries to save us, but only ends up getting it worse. She promises us that we'll be okay, and we just have to be strong. The problem is, I don't think I can be strong. Because strong people don't cut. Strong people don't cry themselves to sleep. And most of all, strong people don't wish they could just explode into a million little pieces and die, and leave no evidence of their existence, aside from trails of tears that will never go away.  
So I'm not strong. I'm pathetic and weak, and I'll probably kill myself before it gets better. At least mum will be okay, because I know for a fact that she is strong. 

I climb out of bed, wiping the sleep from my eyes, and decide that right now is probably the only peace I'll get all day, even if there is muffled yelling in the background. I go to my desk, open the bottom door, and get my razors. I quietly sneak into the bathroom, lock the door, and go to the sink. "Might as well do it, now, Dan." I whisper to myself. And for a short amount of time, I'm in bliss. Sure, the cuts sting, but the pain distracts me. And for a few minute, I forget about it all.  
Except for those blue eyes staring at me before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment what you think! Oh, and I forgot to say, this fic is loosely based off the song 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen.  
>  *whispers* Galileo, GALILEO!  
> Bye! <3


	3. Death seems like a good idea...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Enjoy, anybody who reads this!

 Dear diary,

Remember that boy from yesterday, diary? It turns out, he's in some of my classes, and I don't know how to feel about that. I mean, sure, he's cute, and sure, he seems nice enough, but he saw my cuts. What if he tells someone? Then  _he_ might find out. Should I just ignore him? Maybe I should just tell him that it was an accident, or convince him not to tell anyone. Who knows, he might have already forgotten about me. ~~Everybody always forgets about me~~...

 You know what diary? It would be so much easier without that boy. I used to hope that someone would care, but now that someone does, it's horrible. I mean, why does he have to care?  _Why_? I'm just a depressed, suicidal, abused teenage fuck-up who has nothing to live for. Nobody even looks at me anymore, nothing but a glance. They all know what I want.

 I want to die.

It would be so much easier to be dead. No more Jonathan, no more hearing mum's screams and cries in the night, no more helping Adrian cover up his bruises. No more annoyingly ~~cute~~  caring boys trying to "help" me. And most of all, 

no

more

living.

 That would be great. It wouldn't matter what I looked like, who I loved, or, well, anything else, really. Because when you're dead, nothing really matters, because, well, you're dead.

 But anyways, back to that boy. I'm still kind of amazed that he cared. I know, I'm probably sounding repetitive, but really. I should find out his name. Maybe, just maybe, he could help me escape. I've been thinking about it for a while, just packing a few things, any cash I can get, and just running away. See, maybe if I try to get closer to him... No, It'll never work. I'll just keep on trying with the 'killing myself' plan, it's bound to work out sooner or later. Well, I should probably get going, If I stay up too late, _he's_ going to think something's up.

See you in a few,

Dan

                                                                                           ------------------------------------------------

 I quickly put my diary under my mattress, changed into my pyjamas, and turned off the lights. After getting into bed and shutting my eyes, I started to drift off into an uneasy sleep, filled with nightmares. It wasn't unusual, really, I tend to have nightmares a lot. But one of them in particular was strange.

 I was in a large room filled with people, all of them sitting down in a large circle. They were chatting with each other, and they looked normal enough, until I started to look closer at them.

 None of them had any eyes.

 All they had were deep, sunken holes where there should be eyes. And then I started to hear their conversations.

 "Oh, I absolutely love the smell of young human flesh..."

 "Of course I'm having some of the neck, it's the best part!"

 "Sweetie, don't worry, the chefs won't burn him, they're the best in town! He'll be rare and juicy, just the way you like it!"

 If i wasn't already freaked out, I definitely was now. Were they planning on eating me? Shit. While I stood there, trembling in fear, the room went quiet. All eyes(?) looked at me. I gulped. "So" one of them said. "This is the meal for today." He stood up, walked over to me, and started walking in circles around me.

 "He's pretty tall. Skinny, though, he might not have enough meat on him for all of us to eat. The older ones might go hungry today. Chefs! Come here, we're ready."

 Shitshitshitshitshit. They're going to fucking cook me! As I stood there freaking out, the 'chefs' came in. When I looked at them, I froze. The chefs were... Jonathan? And the boy? Why were they the chefs, and why did anyone even want to eat me in the first place?

 All of a sudden, someone rolled up my sleeves.

 "Ah, look. How considerate of him! He's already cut himself, so now we don't have to work as hard to split him up! The little ones will be _so_ happy..." The , person(?) said with a malicious grin. 

 I looked down,quickly pulling my wrists away from him, covering up my wrists again with my sleeves. When I looked back up, Jonathan was in front of me, with the boy at his side. They were holding rope, and before I even knew what was happening, I was tied up and laying on the ground. _That_ was sudden.

 Then I heard Jonathan say, "Better get him nice and tender..." Oh no...

                                                                               -----------------------------------------------------------

"DAN YOU LITTLE CUNT, GET UP, OR I WILL PERSONALLY GET UP THERE AND MAKE YOU!" I heard.  _That_ sure made me get up.

 I pulled on a black sweater, some skinny jeans, and quickly fixed my hair. After running out of my room, I paused at the kitchen, wondering if I should get some food.

 "Nah, it'll take too much time, and I don't want to be late to school" I thought. Today, I was planning on talking to the boy. Maybe get his name, or something. Most of all, I just wanted to convince him not to tell. Because if he tells, then Jonathan will find out about my cutting.

 And then I'll just get hit more, and that's not any good, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, 6 kudos? Wow! *hugs you all* Thanks so much! This is a bit of a filler chapter, I promise the next one will be better! Bye!


	4. His name is... Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, just wanted to say thank you so much! I'm having a lot of fun coming up with ideas for this fic, so it's going to be a looong one!

 Dear diary, 

 I did it, I talked to him! His name is Philip, but he prefers to be called Phil. _Phil..._ I like how it feels when saying it, it's so light, like a feather...  ~~Shut up Dan, that's creepy~~...

 Well, anyways, back to Phil. when we started our conversation, It was pretty awkward... Okay,  _really_ awkward. We were in our History class (taught by Ms.Morales, who is a very nice teacher, by the way) O kind of just stood near his desk, and waited for him to notice me. I guess it worked... I mean, he only noticed me because of his friend. I think his friend said something along the lines of- 

 "Oi, Phil! There's some creep standing behind you!" 

 To which Phil responded-

 "Hm? Oh Chris, be quiet, you'll scare him!"

 At this point, I just felt like going into a hole and never coming out again. I was probably as red as a beet, now that I think about it. But as I was thinking of all the ways that I could disappear forever, a soft voice interrupted me. It was Phil, and I think he said something like- 

 "Hey, you're Dan, right? I'm Phil, nice to meet you!"

 I was frozen in place. Phil said hi to me! After  _way_ too long standing there in shock, I finally said a quiet 'Hello' back. After an awkward silence, he said something about the work, and it just went on from there. In a few minutes, we were already working with each other on a project, and by the end of the class, we already knew so much about each other, that it felt as if we had known each other our entire lives! It was great, diary. I'm still on cloud nine from that experience, I don't think I've been this happy for a while.  ~~I wonder if anyone's noticed~~...

 Well diary, I have to go now

Dan

                    --------------------------------

 I was sitting at my desk, studying for my upcoming maths test. I knew I was going to fail, and it's never good to get bad grades in my house, with Jonathan being so strict. I hoped that one day, I could actually  _understand_ this mess of numbers. I doubt it, though. The fact that my maths teacher had the  strongest accent in the history of unintelligible people.  _Sigh..._

_**Beep Boop** _

My phone got a message from an unknown number. When I checked the text it was... Phil?

  _Hey dan, it's phil. Just wanted to say hi!!!!! :)_

I don't know how he got my number, but I'm glad, because now we can talk whenever, and sometimes, a friend can really help. So I decided to reply. 

_hey, nice to hear from you! I'm not gonna ask how you got my number, but it's cool!_

_\--------------------------_

After that, we spent hours texting. Eventually, we both had to sleep, so we said goodbye to each other and went to bed. And that night, I dreamt of Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on my phone so... Yeah.


	5. I hope he still remembers us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey there! I just want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart! I never thought that anyone would even look at it, but it has 12 kudos! So thanks!!!

Dear diary,

 Today is the day. The day he died. I remember it just like it was yesterday, but it's actually been 10. I still remember how they called me at school, and how I was taken to the hospital to see him, and how I saw mum fall to the floor in tears, gasping for breath. I remember telling myself that he wasn't dead, that he was just sleeping, and that he would wake up in a few minutes, smile bright as ever, his arms open in a welcoming and inviting hug. But he never woke up, of course. And I don't think that he realized that when he died, he killed everyone who knew him, as well. His wife, parents, two sons, and his brothers and sisters, were now all dead. But you wouldn't have known that just by looking at them. We all had smiles plastered on our faces, telling everyone that we were okay. But in reality, we had all died on the inside, we were just ghosts with beating hearts. 

 And I'm still dead. Everyone else came back, starting their lives again, regaining their composure, and pretending like nothing happened. But for some reason, I'm still dead. Even after countless therapy sessions, friends that I used to have comforting me, and even people telling me to suck it up and deal with it, I still can't come back. Whenever it seems like I'm going to come back, and be the happy child I once was, something else comes and kills me. And that something else that came has a name. You know his name, diary.

 His name is Jonathan. He's heartless, and he doesn't even care. He beats us, tells us horrible things about ourselves, and does unspeakable things to mum. But I can still remember a time when he was sweet and caring. 

 It was about 4 years after dad died, and mum was finally over it. She came home one day, with a smile in her face, and a bounce in her step, holding the hand of a man that Adrian and I had never met before. Mum introduced us to him, telling us that his name was Jonathan, and that he was her new boyfriend. He was very kind back then, he bought us toys, took us on trips, and comforted us when we were sad. You know, diary, back in the good days, he even bought you. 

 But something happened, I'm not sure what, but it completely changed him. Maybe it was me coming out, maybe he thought that he could do whatever he wanted once they were married, or maybe he just had a mental illness, but for some reason, he started saying horrible things to us, and eventually, beating us. 

 And maybe the reason that I miss dad so much, is because I know that he would've stopped Jonathan. I bet that, wherever he is, heaven, hell, or anywhere else, he sees us and wants to help us. I don't know if he can, or maybe he already has, but either way, I know he'll still care for our little broken family. I guess that's all that matters now, isn't it?

 Well, diary, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have school soon, and I don't want to be wallowing in sadness there, Phil might notice, and I don't want him to be sad, too. He deserves to be happy. So, I'll see you later, diary.

 Dan

                     --------------------------------

 I was sitting on the bus, alone, as usual. I'm still feeling kind of depressed about dad dying, so I was just hanging out in the back, listening to music. I was right in the middle of a Muse song, when I feel the seat next to me go down. When I look up to see who in the world would want to sit next to me, I see that it's Phil, with his smile bright as ever, and he's practically bouncing in his seat.

 "Hey, Dan!" He says. "Nice to see you! Do you usually take the bus?"

 "Yeah. Everyday."

 "Huh, I never noticed you on this bus before!"

 "That's because I never wanted to be noticed before."

 "Well, get used to being noticed, because now that I'm your friend, you're going to be noticed all the time! So be prepared!"

 "Oh god, Phil. I'm not really in the mood. Can we just listen to music, instead of being noticed?"

 "Sure! I have  _excellent_ music taste. Have you heard of Muse?"

 "Have I  _heard_ of muse? I was just listening to their music before you came!"

 "No way! They're such a good band, what's your favorite album by them?"

 "Origin of Symmetry, of course!"

 "That's my favorite, too! See, each time I talk to you, I like you even more and more!"

 I froze for a a fraction of a second, overthinking what he had just said. Did he mean that he liked me as just a friend or... No, it couldn't be. We've only known each other for a few days, so  _that_ can't be happening. And anyways, he's straight.

 Phil seemed to notice that I had paused, and he seemed to be worried.

 "Dan?" He asked. "Are you okay?"

 "Um, I guess."

 "Are you sure? You don't look too happy. You have a great smile, you should wear it more often." 

 He had a sad smile on his face, and he looked genuinely worried. And in times like this, when I think that nobody is there for me, that I'm alone in this big, dark world, Phil reminds me that someone cares. So I put on a smile, and for the remainder of the day, I wear it, even though I'm being destroyed on the inside. It's scary what a smile can hide, you know. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm sorry if this is really sad, I'm just feeling kind if depressed, but I promise that it'll get fluffy soon!   
>  Oh, and I just want to say, that no matter what you're going through, you are amazing, okay? So treat yourself. Play that favorite song, reread your favorite book, and just be happy. Because you deserve to be happy. :)


	6. Shit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Enjoy the new chapter!

 Dear diary,

 Things have been getting a bit better lately, and I'm pretty happy about that. Phil's been an amazing friend, and he even introduced me to a few of his friends (who are also super cool). Jonathan left for about a week (he was on a work trip, I think), so everything was calm, and I haven't cut in a while, so I guess that's good. I don't think I have much to tell you really...

 Well, actually, I do have one thing to tell you. 

 I think I might have a bit of a crush on Phil... It's horrible, I know.

 It's just, he's so stupendously perfect. The way his eyes sparkle like diamonds in the sun, and how his smile could make flowers grow, and his voice is like a song I never want to stop listening to, and, ugh, he's just so  _amazing_. He's also the  _cutest_ person to walk this earth, with his laugh, and how he watches adventure time, and plays Pokemon, and I just want to squeeze him, he's just _so adorable._

 But it makes me sad that I'll never have him. He's straight, I'm gay, he's the best person  _ever,_ and I'm just a screwed-up, suicidal teen who no one will ever love. 

 I'll learn to stop these feelings soon, though. I can't live being in love with the closest thing to a best friend that I've ever had, and anyways, I have to stop being gay soon, because maybe then, Jonathan will stop hurting us. Maybe. So yeah, I'll stop.

 Anyways, I have a project to do with Phil soon, so I should go.

 Dan

\----------------

 I quickly got my bag, put some materials I would need inside it, and went downstairs.

 "Mum!" I called "I'm going to do a group project with a friend! I'll be home in an hour or so!"

 "Okay, love. Be safe, I'll see you in a bit." She told me.

 "Love you!" I said before I quickly walked out the door. I pulled out my phone after a few minutes, texting Phil.

  _We're meeting at the park, right?_

 After a few seconds, I got a response.

  _Yeah. R u on your way?_

  _Yup._ I quickly texted.

  _okay, see u in a bit! :)_

 I smiled to myself, and kept on walking.

\----------------

 "What the hell are we even doing, Phil. This is so confusing!" 

 "Don't worry, I'm sure google will clear things up a bit!" 

 We were working on some super-confusing history project, about some dead guy, and Phil wasn't helping with the situation too much, as he kept distracting me with his utter adorableness.

 "Umm... yeah, I think we're going to fail this big-time..." Phil told me with a big sigh.

 "Well, we can at least try to get a D. Maybe even a C, if we're lucky."

 "This sucks. I wish that the instructions were clearer! And google isn't helping at all, either."

 "Ugh. How about we take a break?"

 "Sure, we might as well."

 "Soo... What do you wanna do?"

 "How about we just sit here and talk?"

 "About what?"

 "Anything, really."

 "Okay. Um... Let's play twenty questions!"

 "Sure, you go first."

\-----------------

 A few minutes and twelve questions later, we were practically in stitches, rolling on the ground laughing. Whatever we had been doing before had been quickly forgotten, and now we were talking about random things, and stuff we had done as children.

 And I don't know what hit me, maybe I was being stupid, but in that moment, Phil was being so cute, with his tongue sticking ever so slightly out of the side of his mouth as he laughed, and the way that the light hit him, and how he was so amazing, and unique, and just so... just so  _Phil._

And I did something that I immediately regretted.

 I kissed him. 

  _Shit._

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, cliffhanger! Sorry about that, I wasn't really sure how to end the chapter... Oops  
>  Oh, and thanks for all the kudos! Yay, people actually like this mess! :D


	7. Someone to live for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Ooh, a new chapter!

 Dear diary,

 I fucked everything up. I just  _had_ to be an idiot, and kiss Phil, apparently. God, it's time like this when I  _really fucking hate myself_. And now, I haven't even  _texted_ Phil in about two weeks, let alone spoken to him. He probably thinks that I'm just a dirty little  _faggot_ , and that just makes me hate myself even more. And remember how I was  _so proud_ that I had been clean? Well, I'm not clean anymore, thanks to the "Incident". And lord help me if Jonathan finds out about this, then it would be even worse. He (for some reason) thinks that he's "beaten the gay out of me", which is utter bullshit. I'm gonna have to take extra care in hiding you, diary, because if he finds this, I'll  _really_ be in trouble. 

 You know, I never really realized before how much a friend can help. All I had before Phil was my phone, music, and you, diary. I'd never thought I would actually  _need_ human interaction, but now that I've had a person by my side, to talk to, to tell my problems to, or just do anything with, I've realized how much we, as humans, need other humans by our side. So, basically, diary, life sucks without friends. And now, because I just  _had_ to develop feelings for the only friend I've ever had, I'm basically fucked. Thank god that Phil didn't go around telling everyone about it, though, that would probably be even worse. So, yeah, it could be worse, I guess...

 Well, diary, that's all I have to say. I hope things get a bit better...

 Dan

\-------------------------

 I was sitting on the bathroom floor, having just cut myself a few more times, and I was thinking. Just thinking. I was thinking about my life before, when I was happy and young. Back then, I didn't know about bullies, or abusive step-parents, or being suicidal, or beautiful boys with adorable smiles that would break my heart each time I talked to them. And I really miss those days. Now, I can barely remember what my arms and thighs used to look like without all these scars, or what it was like to be in a happy home, or what it felt like to be accepted by others. And that  _really fucking sucks._ After a few more minutes of pondering, I decided that I should probably start cleaning up the mess that I made, because if I didn't soon, the floor tiles would get stained, and I wouldn't want Jonathan the blood and ask me about it. So, after a minute or two of wiping my thighs and wrists, I checked the floor to see if any blood had dripped onto the floor. Thankfully, there wasn't, so all I had to do was just "dispose of the evidence". I was in the middle of putting the razor away, when I heard my phone ring. Since nobody ever calls me, I was vaguely interested in this, so I decided to just take the box of razors with me to my room, so that I could answer my cell.

\--------------------

 When I looked at the screen, my heart skipped a beat. It was Phil.  _It was Phil._ Without hesitation, answered.

 "Hello, Dan?" He asked in a nervous voice.

 "Um, yeah, it's Dan."

 "Dan, why... why haven't you talked to me? I- I missed having you around..."

 Woah. He actually missed me? That... was unexpected.

 "Well, I-I didn't think that you would want to... to talk to me." I stuttered.

 "Oh, Dan, you're such an idiot! Of  _course_ I would want to talk to you! You're one of the most amazing people that I know!"

 "So you don't mind that I... that I k-kissed you?"

 "No, I don't, Dan. In fact... Actually, nevermind...."

 "So, are we still friends? Or are we..."

 "Yes, Dan. We're still friends."

 "Okay, thanks."

 "Oh, and Dan?"

 "Yes?"

 "We can be more than friends... If you want to be, that is..."

 "Is this your way of asking me out on a date?"

 "Yeah. Yeah, it is. So... do you  _want_ to go on a date? With me?"

 "Yes, yes, of course, Phil!"

 "Okay!" He sighed a big breath of relief. God, he's just so cute!

 "So, how about Friday?" He asked me.

 "Okay, that's fine. So... see you?"

 "Yeah... bye!"

 "Bye, Phil."

\-------------------

 My heart was doing flips in my chest. Phil likes me! He actually likes me enough to actually ask me out! On a date! I guess I'm kind if acting like a Japanese school girl, but I don't care, because Phil, one of the most amazing people that I've ever met. So now, I have something- no _someone_ to live for. Phil. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that you enjoyed that! Wow, some actual Phan action! Oh, and my friend wanted me to tell you all: Sup' bitches. Thank my friend for that.  
>  Oh, and my boyfriend says neigh.  
>  Bye!


	8. The date that almost was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO SORRY!!! I know I haven't updated for a few weeks, and even though this probably isn't that good of a fic, I still feel incredibly guilty, so... um, yeah, here ya go...

 Dear diary,

 Holy  _fuck._ Today's my date with Phil, and I'm  _so_ nervous, you have  _no idea._ Like, what am I supposed to do? What do I wear? How do I act? I'm so freaking inexperienced with this shit, I don't even know what I already know. So, I guess I'll fill you in on some much-needed details, diary.

 First of all, this is the first date I've ever been on, and I'm hoping it won't be the last. And secondly, well... I really like Phil.  _Really_ like him, like, a lot. I guess I'm a bit head-over-heels, and I'm just kind of nervous that it won't go well. I'm a bit of a fuck-up (well, actually, a  _lot_ of a fuck-up) and I'm basically praying to every deity out there that this will go well. 

 Oh, and one more thing. Jonathan  _still_ hasn't come back, and it's been about a month since he left. I'm kind of wishing that he won't come back, because maybe, just maybe, there'll be a bit of peace. But, I have a feeling that he'll come back sooner or later. He always does. And I don't know why, but I feel like he might be cheating on mum, which is really bad, as it would be just another horrible thing tacked on to the list of many. So, if mum finds out about that, I'm sure it'll just overflow her (already full) bucket of emotions, she just won't be able to handle it. And I just  _know_ that she'll just become an empty shell of what she once was, her face a ghost of all her smiles, her arms an empty reminder of what once were hugs that meant something, and her eyes, once filled with undying love, would just become empty pieces of glass, waiting for death. I can't let that happen, so I guess I'll just have to keep quiet.

Which sucks, because I have so much left to say, like how I want to sleep forever, how my wrists and thighs tell stories of heartbreak and pain, how I'm judged for who I love, and how I'm in love with an innocent, sweet, caring boy who I don't deserve. I want to scream all of my thoughts from the rooftops, scream, and let out all of my pain, feel the tears stream down my face, and not feel ashamed. Is that too much to ask?

 Okay, back to  ~~almost~~ happy Dan. After all, I can't show up to my date all depressed, now, can I? So, I guess this is goodbye (for now),

 Dan

\------------------

 I let out a deep breath, taking a seat on my bed.

 "Better get out these emotions now, Dan." I murmured to myself. After a few minutes of slow breathing and happy thoughts, I deemed myself prepared for my date. I got up, stretching a bit, and opened my closet to pick out an outfit. I knew that I was going to wear a sweater and skinny jeans, I really just had to pick out  _which_ sweater to wear. I eventually picked out a sky-blue one (it was pretty similar to Phil's eye color), and got a clean pair of black skinny jeans. After a bit of freshening up, I texted Phil.

  _hey, Phil, are u ready? bcuz if u are, I'm ready to meet up._

I got a reply almost immediately, saying

  _yea! Lets meet at the park, k?_

_sure._ I texted back, going to grab my wallet and keys off of my nightstand, and heading downstairs. After saying a quick goodbye to mum (to which I got no response) I walked out the door, stepping on to the sidewalk. After a minute or two of walking, admiring the people and places all around me, I finally got to the park. I walked to a corner of the park, where there was a lone bench, with a weeping willow right next to it, providing some shade. I sat down on the bench, a cool breeze slowly blowing some of the leaves on to my shoulders, and the top of my head. It felt really peaceful, and it was a welcome distraction from my nerves about the date.

\----------------

 "Hey, Dan!" I heard. When I looked up, I saw that it was Phil. And, oh god, he was more breathtaking than ever before. He was wearing a red plaid shirt that was rolled up to the elbows, black skinny jeans (of course), and his cheeks were a pinkish color. He seemed to be ecstatic, his eyes glowing an enchanting shade of blue. And, I swear to god, his smile could've melted even the coldest of hearts. 

 "H-hi." I stammered, getting up from my seat, the branches touching the top of my head ever so slightly, my heart racing.

 "So, umm... What do you wanna do?" He asked shyly.

 "How about we just stay in the park, and, I dunno, just hang around?" I suggested.

 "Okay, sure! Let's find a nicer place to sit, then." He responded. I walked up next to him, my hands in my pockets. While walking around the park, our shoulders brushed against each other every now and then, shooting sparks up my spine. It was electric, I swear. This was definitely a moment that I wanted to remember for a long time.

 After a few minutes, we found a grassy spot, with a few oak trees that provided a nice amount of shade for us to sit in.

 "So, um, what do you wanna talk about?" Phil asked me, rubbing at the back of his neck.

 "Oh, I dunno. This is my first ever date, so I'm kinda new to all of... This." I told him, gesturing at the air between us.

 "Okay! So... How've you been?" he asked me.

 I put a small smile on my face, trying to mask the pain that I'd been feeling lately, and told him I was fine. We talked like that for a while, just saying little things that had been happening for the past few days, and Phil spurting animal facts out at me every now and then. It was peaceful, and in that moment, I felt happy. We both had grins on our faces that we couldn't wipe off, and, I swear that in that moment, if I had wanted to, I could've flown.

\-----------------

 After about an hour, we decided to get up from the ground, and go to a nearby coffee shop. When we stood up, we noticed that a lot of leaves had fallen on our shoulders, and we quickly brushed them off. I had thought that I had gotten rid of all of them, but just as we were about to start walking, I felt Phil lightly touch my sleeve to get me to stop. When I did, he stood on his toes, and gently pulled a leaf out of my hair, letting it float to the ground. All of a sudden, I noticed how close our faces were, and I blushed. Phil got back to his normal height, but he didn't step back. Instead, he just stared into my eyes, biting his lip. After what seemed like hours, he whispered something.

 "Can I... Can I kiss you?" He breathed out. I nodded slightly, feeling him reaching up to wrap his arms around my neck, and I moved my arms to settle on his waist. I leaned in and...

 Our lips met. And... Well, I don't know how to describe it. His lips were soft, gently pressing against my own, and it was magical. I could taste mint, and I could feel all of the emotions that had been kept inside of us for who knows  _how_ long, all of the times that I had wanted to hold him, to never let go, and right now, I had no doubts in my mind that he felt the same way that I had felt. And even though it felt like forever before we stopped, slightly out of breath, it wasn't long enough.

 I rested my forehead on his, looking into those blue, blue eyes, getting lost in them. He looked at my eyes as well, a small smile on his lips, which I wanted to kiss again, in fact, I never wanted to  _stop_ kissing them. And that's when I realized that I, Daniel James Howell, was in love with Philip Michael Lester, and his diamond eyes, and his bad puns, and his random animal facts, and... Well, everything. And I know that I'm only a teenager who doesn't know almost anything about life, and that there's a chance that I might not even see Phil again after we graduate, and that one day, I might cut so deep that I actually succeed in killing myself, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling this. And that's how I knew that I was fucked.

\--------------

 After a few more minutes of kissing and whispering, we finally headed to the coffee shop, walking hand in hand. It was a quaint little place called Visage de la Lune, and it had small booths, smelt of rich coffee and sweet pastries, and had beautiful paintings of landscapes on the walls. All in all, it was probably the cutest place I'd ever been in. We quickly ordered our coffee, and then we went to choose a booth to sit in. After we sat down in a small booth in the corner of the little shop, we started talking again, waiting for our names to be called so that we could receive our drinks.

 "Hey Dan, wanna hear something cool?" Phil asked me, breaking the silence.

 "Sure." I responded.

 "Did you know that kangaroos can only jump if their tail is touching the ground?"

 "Really, Phil? You should start a show, you know. It could be called 'Phil's random animal facts'. It would be a hit."

 "Maybe I should! After all, I know  _all about_ different types of animals. Wanna hear another?"

 "I think I'll take a raincheck on that offer. C'mon, I think our coffees will be ready soon, anyways."

 "Okay, I'll go get the coffees. See you in a minute." he got up from his seat, giving me a quick peck on the cheek before going to get our coffee. I watched him get our drinks from my seat, admiring his looks when I knew he couldn't see me. When he came back, he handed me my drink, and sat back down. 

 "Dan, did you see your cup?" He asked me. When I looked at it, I saw that there was a little heart next to my name, and I heard Phil giggling.

 "Looks like that barista girl thinks you're cute." He said. "I don't blame her, you are pretty adorable." He kissed me on the cheek, and held my hand underneath the table.

 "You're not jealous, right?" I asked him, not wanting to ruin the date.

 "No, not at all. I'm mostly proud." He responded.

 "Proud of what? I'm the one who random girls think are cute, not you."

 "I'm just proud that she thinks that I have a good taste in boys, since she obviously approves of you."

 "Wow,  _thanks, Phil._ "

 "Oh, you know what I mean."

 "You're lucky that I do, Phil."

 "And I'm lucky that I have you."

 "Yeah, you are."

\----------------

 We had left the shop a while ago, and now we were walking down the sidewalk, holding hands and talking.

 "Hey, Phil?" I asked.

 "Yeah?"

 "Would you... Would you like to go on another date soon? We could go to the movies, or something like that..." I suggested, desperately hoping that he would say yes.

 "Of course, Dan! I'd love to. Just text or call me when you wanna do something." 

 I let out a breath that I didn't know that I'd been holding.

 "You're so cute, Dan, you know that? Utterly adorable." Phil told me, looking at me in the eyes. I looked at his eyes, as well, completely lost in the moment, forgetting about everything. He leaned in, and so did I, and soon enough, we were kissing. And we didn't care that we were in plain sight, that there were people walking around us, all that we cared about was each other. I felt weightless, and that the only thing keeping me down on this earth was Phil, my anchor, and I was in love, and nothing mattered except for his lips. But then, my phone started to buzz, and we had to stop kissing, and it sucked. But as soon as I saw who had texted me, I knew that I was in trouble.

 It was Jonathan.

 "Phil, I have to go now, I'm sorry, I have to go" I told him, freaking out a bit.

 "Oh... Okay, sorry for keeping you. Text me later okay?" He asked me, clearly worried about me.

 "I will, don't worry, and thank you  _so much._ " I have him a quick kiss on the cheek, and started running back to my house as quick as possible. 

\-------------

 When I finally got to my house and unlocked the door, I knew that I was fucked. I saw some of Jonathan's clothes strewn about on the floor, so it was pretty obvious that he was back. And as soon as I closed the door, I could hear his footsteps thundering towards me.

 "OI! FAGGOT, I FUCKING _SAW YOU_ OUT THERE WITH THAT BOY! YOU KISSED HIM LIKE THE DISGUSTING LITTLE ROACH THAT YOU ARE, DIDN'T YOU?" He roared at me, his breath reeking of whiskey. He pulled out his belt, wrapping the end around his hands, ready to beat me.

 "N-no! I didn't, I swear I didn't! Don't hurt me!" I pleading, hoping that he would take mercy on me.

 "LIAR! I SAW YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKER! I THOUGHT THAT I HAD BEATEN THE GAY OUT OF YOU, BUT I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER, WON'T I?"

 He started whipping me, sending little trails of fire down my back, and he was yelling at me the whole time. I'd long ago learned not to listen to what he was saying, to just focus on something else, but usually, the only distraction I had was the pain. He kept hitting me, eventually throwing me on to the floor, and kicking at my sides.

 "DO YOU SEE ALL THAT I'VE DONE FOR YOU AND YOUR WHORE MOTHER? I FEED YOU, PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR UNGRATEFUL LITTLE HEAD, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? BY BEING A FUCKING FAG? YOU DISGUST ME, THANK GOD THAT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER CAME OUT NORMAL." He yelled at me, kicking me repeatedly, and spitting on my body.

 "YOU ARE GUTTER TRASH, YOU'RE A WORTHLESS LITTLE CUNT, AND YOU ARE NEVER TO SEE THAT BOY AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME? AND DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING CRY LIKE A PUSSY, FAGGOT!"

 I nodded my head, biting back tears as I felt the pain all over my back and sides. By now, I was desperate to just go to my room and try to heal myself a bit, at least check my wounds. After about ten more minutes of heartbreaking insults and painful beatings, he finally left, probably to go hurt someone else. I gently started to stand up, as to not hurt myself more than I already was, and started to slowly walk up the stairs, and into my room. When I was sure that the door was locked, I gingerly removed my jeans and shirt, making sure that nothing in my pockets had gotten crushed. Thankfully, my phone was intact, meaning that I could talk to Phil later, which was pretty important to me. When I looked at my legs and torso, I noticed a lot of bruises and some cuts, but I didn't feel like anything had been broken. I went to the bathroom to clean up a bit before going to bed, and afterwards, I texted Phil.

  _Hey, Phil, just wanted 2 say goodnight_

_okay Dan, goodnight <3_

I smiled a bit at the heart, remembering our date. "He's a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark world." were my last thoughts before I closed my eyes and drifted into an uneasy slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm so sorry! Hey, at least you got some phan! Oh, and thank you so much to everyone who has commented, kudosed, or bookmarked!  
> In other news, I recently made a tumblr! It's lunalas-ships-and-stuff, you can follow me if you want, and you are welcome to send in prompts, asks, and suggestions! Okay, bye, see you next chapter! <3


	9. A happy distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about how late this is! I wrote this chapter like 5 times before, but it originally had a lot of stuff about Dan's little brother, Adrian, but I decided to change it, because honestly, that kid has already had a bunch of people invading his privacy, and me writing an (abusive) fanfiction with him in it isn't any better. So, from now on, any mention of him will be small, and I'll probably still feel incredibly guilty about it. Anyways, enough about that, it's fanfic time!

Dear diary,

 ugh. I honestly feel like shit. It's been almost 3 days since Jonathan came back, and I still have bruises covering almost every inch of me. I can barely freaking  _move_ without hurting all over. Since it's the weekend, I (luckily) haven't gone back to school, and I probably have to skip a day or two to recover completely. Thankfully, Jonathan has been doing almost nothing these past few days, he's been way too drunk to even think. The worst he's done is slap mum, and it's barely anything compared to what he's done to her in the past. Mum is still completely head-over-heel in "love" with him (I refuse to call it real love, for pretty obvious reasons) All she's been doing since he came back is do everything he wants her to do, bring him more sickening alcohol, and keep me and Adrian out of his way. She always has a sort of glazed-over look in her eyes, as if a trance, not fully believing that her husband is back after being gone for so long. I don't know whether to feel sad, or disgusted.

Lets talk (write?) about something else. Or should I say, some _one_ else. Phil. God, I feel so bad leaving him like that, we barely said goodbye. He's texted me a few times since then, but I've either said nothing, or sent a one-worded response. And yes diary, I am perfectly aware of the fact that I am the worst (friend? boyfriend?) ever. Yeah, no need to remind me of my worthlessness. Phil must hate me by now, probably considering getting a death note and writing my name in it. I wouldn't blame him, I hate myself too. I'll make up some lame excuse later, maybe he won't hate me as much if I told him I was just grounded or something. Yeah, that'll do for now.

 Okay, enough about Phil. Let's talk about some serious stuff now. I'm really worried about... well, I'm worried about everything, I guess. My usual way of coping with things is either writing in you, or cutting, and since I can barely walk to the other side of my room right now, let alone get my blades, writing will have to do. 

 I'm worried about the future. What will I do when I graduate? I don't think that Jonathan would let me go to uni, and if he did, who would take care of Adrian and my mum? It's not gonna be Jonathan, I can promise you that. What about Phil? If he doesn't end up leaving me by the end of the year, will we be dating? Will we be going our separate ways? Will I ever tell him about, well, everything? If I did, he would probably be disgusted with me, and if he wasn't, Jonathan would somehow find out, and try to hurt him. I obviously can't let that happen, Phil is way too important to me for me to let that happen to him.  ~~damnit, I was supposed to stop talking about Phil!~~  

 I better go now, I think I hear someone walking up the stairs.

Dan

\-------------------------------------

  _thump, thump, thump._ Whoever was coming upstairs was either having trouble walking, or was drunk. Most likely drunk, and almost certainly Jonathan. I quietly rushed into my bed, and turned if my bedside lamp, hoping that he wouldn't come into my room, and that if he did, he would be too drunk to realize that I was awake, not asleep.

 "Oi! Fag! Get *hic* outta ya room! I'm *hic* warnin' ya!" He called, walking in the hallway. I could hear him getting closer, and I tried to slow down my breathing, so that my 'sleeping' would be more believable.  

He all but slammed open the door to my room, yelling drunken gibberish at me.

 "Good fur nuthin *hic* fag can't even *hic* wake up! Idiot..." He snarled, and then loudly left the room.

 I waited for a few moments before slowly sitting up, only to see my closed door, and my desk with some beer spilled on it, spilled on what was probably my maths homework. Ugh, at least he didn't leave too much of a mess. I got up from my bed, trying not to make too much noise, and quickly grabbed a roll of paper towel that I kept in my closet for 'emergencies' like spilled beer/blood. When I got to my desk, I found out that it was, indeed, my maths homework. I cleaned up the mess, and grabbed another sheet of paper so that I could copy my homework onto it. My teacher would most likely accept it, he wasn't too strict. The most I would get from him is an angry glare, nothing that I haven't had to go through before.

 As I threw the last of the trash in the bin, I heard Jonathan go down the stairs, and a large thud from the bottom, meaning that he had probably collapsed once he got down. At least I wouldn't have to worry about him for a while, with him being unconscious and all. I limped back to my bed, and grabbed my phone from the bad. When I pressed the home button, the screen was so bright it almost blinded me, so I had to dim it a bit to see my notifications.

  _Three new messages from: Phil <3_ _  
_

_Dan, hi!_

_are u ok?_

_pls tell me I'm really worried_

Damnit, what am I supposed to tell him? That I'm grounded? Actually, that one's pretty good.

_hey phil, I'm fine!_

_I just got grounded, it wasn't anything bad_

He would hopefully believe that, if he asks why I could just say it's because I didn't tell my mum about our date... It's a shit excuse coming from a shit person, but it seems to work, because he texts me soon after, telling me that he's sorry (him? Why?) and asking when we can see each other again. I guess he doesn't hate me, he might even miss me, which is something I never thought would happen. Phil is such a sweetheart, and I hope yah I can keep Jonathan away from him.

\-----------------------------------

  _knock knock._

Who could that be? I was currently sitting in my living room, the only other person in my house was my drunken step-father, too sleepy to even consider getting up from his bed.

 I walked up to the door, looking through the peephole in the door, only to be met with a mop of black hair. Phil? 

 I opened the door slowly, seeing that it really was Phil.

 "Phil?" I whispered "What are you doing here? It's a school day!"

 "I could ask you the same thing, mister." He giggled right back at me, giving my nose a small boop.

 "Oh Dan, you're still in your pyjamas and everything!"

"Well, I haven't really gotten out of bed yet..." I mumbled.

 "Shame Daniel, shame! Anyways, I didn't come here to judge your... fashion choices, I came here to see how you were! Are you still grounded?"

 "Um, I'm not grounded anymore. I'm doing well, I guess."

 "Well, in that case, are you going to go to school? We can still make it if you change quic-"

 "I'd rather not, to be honest. I kinda just wanna sit and read all day."

 He pause for a moment, as if thinking something over. "Can I stay with you? Because, you know, you shouldn't be alone and stuff..."

 "Um, my step-dad is actually in the house, and he wouldn't be... well, he wouldn't like it if I let a boy inside."

 "Oh. Well, do you wanna come to my house instead? My parents aren't home, we could just relax and stuff."

 "Sure! Let me just get changed, we can go after that. But, you'll have to wait outside. Sorry."

 "It's fine! So... I guess I'll just let you get ready." He took a step backwards and smiled, letting me close the door.

 I went up the stairs and into my room, quickly pulling on a sweater, some skinny jeans, and a pair of trainers. I freshened up a bit, and tried as best as I could to make my hair seem less curly, but to no avail. I went downstairs and got my keys, and checked my phone's battery. 72%, probably enough to last me a few hours.

 I opened the door, seeing Phil in front of me, and I said a timid "hi"

 "Hey Dan!" He said, putting his phone in his pocket "are you ready?"

 I nodded my head, and he grinned at me. 

 "Let's go! Do you wanna walk? We could always catch a bus..."

 "It's fine Phil, I need some fresh air anyways."

 "Okay." 

 We started walking in the direction of his house, talking about video games and random things.

 "I could  _totally_ beat you at Mario Cart Dan. No questions asked, I'm the greatest at it." Phil stated.

 "No fucking way dude. You can't even use proper English, greatest at it? That makes no sense! Clearly the person with the best grammar will be the best at Mario Cart."

 "Oh, be quiet you twat. You know what? I challenge you to a d-d-d-d-duel! As soon as we get to my house, we're playing. You, me, rainbow road."

 "It's on, Philip. I will beat your ass into the ground."

 "You're such an idiot" he mumbled under his breath.

 "You too."

 He smiled up at me, brushing his fringe out of his eyes a bit. God, he's too adorable for this world.

 "U-um... Dan?" He stuttered.

 "Yeah?"

 "Can I maybe, you know... hold your hand? We're only about two blocks away from my house, nobody would really see u-"

 "Phil, don't worry. Unless I say otherwise, you can do it whenever you want. Hold my hand, that is." I interrupted.

 He beamed at me, grabbing my hand. 

 "Anyways, back to Mario Cart." He breathed out.

\-------------------------------------

"Ha! I beat you Philip, or should I say, loser. I win!" I exclaimed, jumping up and down on his bed.

 "I'm the winner, I'm the winner!" I sang. "So..." I smirked "do I get a prize?"

 Phil looked up, a thoughtful look on his face. "Well, I guess it's only fair. What can I give you, anyways?"

 "Hmmmm... well, you could always just let me... Do this!" I pounced on top of him, tickling him all over his body.

 "Dan stop! Please oh my god!" He giggled, flailing his limbs around.

 "Never! I defeated you fair and square!" I pinned him down onto his mattress so that he wouldn't move as much. He was laughing so hard, both of us actually, and his hair was sticking out in a thousand directions. He struggled against my grip, desperately trying to break free.

 "I give up! Dan stop, I give up!" He practically screamed.

 "Fine, okay! I'll st-"

 I was quickly cut off by Phil, who had somehow flipped us over on the bed. Now he was on top, and I was laying defenseless at the bottom. "Phil, how the fuck did you do that?" 

 "Shh, be quiet. Just... enjoy the moment, hon." He responded, smirking.

 "I'm not your 'hon' Phil, don't be gross." I mumbled, a bit too distracted by his lips, those perfect lips...

 And then, all of a sudden, we were kissing. It was a bit messy, and our noses kept on bumping into each other, but it was perfect. His lips were soft and sweet, and they made me feel dizzy. Fuck, how could somebody who seemed this innocent be this hot?

 ----------------------------------

 We eventually got a bit worn out, almost half an hour of making out could do that to you, after all. We were now simply laying on his bed, my head on his chest, and his hand playing with my hair. I sighed contentedly, wishing that I could stay here for as long as possible. If only.

 "Phil?" I whispered, tilting my head to look up at him.

 "Yeah?" He whispered back.

 "What time is it? I have to go home by the time school would usually be over."

 "Oh. Yeah, I think we have about an hour left."

 "Good, I wanna stay with you for a while."

I snuggled back into his side, purring contentedly.

 "Did you just purr? Dan, you're so cute!" Phil laughed "you're just like a cat, I swear."

 "No I'm not, I'm fierce and scary. I am the darkness that you fear, the shadows that you can't escape. I am scary! Like... Like a bear!"

 "Okay then, you're my cuddly little bear. Well, maybe not little, you're taller than me..."

 I grabbed him tighter, pressing wet kisses to his neck. "Well, you're my honey, bears love honey."

 "Are you telling me that you love me?"

 "Um... I don't think so. Bears don't have emotions, after all."

 "Daniel loves me!" He sang, turning around so that he could face me. He kissed me all over my face, eventually finishing on my lips.

 "You're cute." He whispered to me after the kiss.

 "You're cuter." I said back.

 "I'm not cute, I'm manly as hell." 

 "Sure thing honey, if you want to believe that."

 He pouted at me. "you need to kiss me to say sorry."

 I pretended to be annoyed, acting as if I thought kissing was a chore.

 "Fine, but I'll have to leave after this."

 "Then you better make this one count."

 "Oh, you can bet on it."

\--------------------------------------

 Walking home, I thought about how this morning with Phil had went. Yeah, it was great. I'm really glad that he had come to distract me from myself.

 I smiled a lot today, almost too much. Phil really is a life saver, and I'm glad that it was my life that he had chosen to unknowingly save.

 I have a feeling that things will be better in the future, and that's something that I haven't felt in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! I actually managed to write a chapter with almost no angst! (Blame it on the music I was listening to while writing)  
> Well, I hope that you guys liked it! I decided not to break any hearts today, so I'm sure that some of you will be happy about that. Stay safe, and I'll see you next chapter!


	10. Calls and confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, this is a new chapter. Way earlier than expected, but I guess you guys will be happy. And, I had a panic attack before writing this, so, it's probably not the best chapter, but hey, I felt inspired. Enjoy.
> 
> *now edited, in case you didn't notice   
> woop woop

Dear diary,

 um, hi there, I guess. I honestly don't know what to say right now. Pretty much nothing has happened since the last time I wrote in you. Well, aside from Phil being the cutest thing on earth, I guess.

 Should I just not write in you today? I don't know, maybe just a little bit more. Okay, so, I'm trying to stop cutting, but it's  _so hard._ It's like an addiction, I guess, and it sucks, because I feel like if Phil finds out, he won't like me anymore. Nobody would want to be with someone as fragile and tainted as me, but if I stop for a while, or just let the cuts heal, I might be able to stay with him. I hope. I've been looking up some tips online, and yeah, they help a bit, but not always. 

I have been clean for about 4 days, though, so I'm happy about that. Yeah, I think that's a good accomplishment. 

 So, what else? Wow, I have nothing. Nothing at all. Empty  ~~just like my useless head.~~ well, should I just go? It is pretty late, and I do have school tomorrow...

 I'm going, bye.

Dan

\-------------------------------------

 I flopped onto my bed, so tired that my eyelids were having trouble staying open. I honestly couldn't wait for sleep, the last few days had been emotionally exhausting. The overwhelming urge to cut myself was almost too much, I found myself staring at the knives during dinner, longingly gazing at my blades, and seriously considering just giving in to my cravings of harm. But then there would be that voice in the back of my head, telling me not to, to be clean for Phil. And I listened.

 So, I've been clean for the larger half of a week, and that's great. Woopee. At least I was making the chance of Phil leaving me smaller.

 But honestly, all I want to do now is sleep, so let's stop thinking abou-

_buzz buzz_

Wait, who would be texting me now? I checked my phone to see a message from Phil.

  _hey sry to txt u so late but I cant sleep and I wanted to talk to u_

I quickly typed out a reply

_sure phil but do u want me to call u instead of text_

After sending it, I got a response almost instantaneously.

  _call me pls? I just rly wanna hear your voice_

I smiled at his text. He was so cute, I swear to god.

 I quickly called him, and he picked up after only two rings.

 "Dan?" he answered.

"Yeah love, it's me."

"thank you so much bear, you're honestly the best."

"No problem. And are you actually sticking to that nickname?"

"Of course, what else am I supposed to call you?"

"Oh, I don't know, dashing, handsome, maybe even Gaston."

"Hm, I think you're more like the beast."

"Would that make you Belle? Ah, my sweet princess, princess Philip!"

"Actually shut up. You're an idiot, you know that?"

"Yes, but you chose me as your idiot, so you're stuck with me."

"Ugh. You're lucky that you're so cute."

"I thought that I was the lucky one, considering the fact that I have a really sweet boyfriend who is easy to beat at Mario Cart."

"Hey! You totally cheated on that level, it isn't fair?"

"Oh? And how did I cheat exactly? Did I, perhaps, distract you with my charm?"

 I heard him grumble through the phone.

"Uh, um... no?" he responded.

"Thought so, sweet-cheeks."

"Ugh, when did you become so cocky? What happened to the cute boy who rode on my bus, the one who was too shy to talk to anyone?"

"He's gone Phil, you've now been left with an amazing sex machine who tells great jokes."

"Um, I'm clearly better at telling jokes you twat. And anyways, be nice to me, you never know what'll happen!"

I tensed up a bit. Oh shit, was he thinking about leaving me? Fucking damnit.

 "Um, Dan? Are you there?"

 "Hm? Oh, yeah I just zoned out for a bit."

 "Get your head out of the clouds love, I can't see you if you're in the sky."

 That fucking sweetheart.

 "Dan, I wanted to ask you something." I heard Phil say.

 "What is it? Are you okay?"

 "Well, yeah, I'm fine, it's just, um, are  _you_ okay? I might have, um, seen something on your, um wrist?"

 Fuck. Did he see my cuts? Oh my god, how could I be so careless, I'd probably just let my sleeves roll up and oh my god I can't feel my hands anymore.

 "Dan? Bear, please answer me, I want you to be okay, I-" 

_beep._

I looked at my phone, feeling sick to my stomach. I'd just hung up on my boyfriend, my idiotic overly-attentive boyfriend. Oh fuck.

 I quickly typed out a message.

_phil I'm sorry i really don't wanna talk rn we'll discuss this later I'm so sorry_

 He never did answer, and I fell asleep with wet tear tracks on my face, dreaming about stormy blue eyes, and wrists covered in red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say, I'm dedicating this chapter (well, the diary entry part) to one of my friends, Anna. She's honestly one of the bravest people that I know, and she has recently been able to be self-harm free for almost two months. I love her so so much, and, well, yeah. I'm just really proud of her. That's it, and I hope that you enjoyed the chapter. <3 (so sorry that it's so short, it'll make sense in a bit, I promise)

**Author's Note:**

> So, each chapter is going to be a diary entry, and then a small piece of Dan's life. My first ever fic, so I hope that you like it!


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